GUESS WHO’S BACK, BABY!?? You all thought I was out of the game, well, guess again, fuckheads! I’ve just been saving up for 10 months to lull the blogosphere into a false sense of security, and now, just when they least expect it – BLAM!
People tell me all the time that my intros are their favorite part of these blogs, but I’ve got a lot to get to today so I’m just gonna jump right in.
My last blog post was about day like 5 of a 14 day trip through Eastern Europe that I took, um, basically a million years ago at this point. I’m gonna skip all the rest of that so I can write about something that happened just 2 weeks ago; sorry to all my invested, loyal readers.
My buddy and #1 blog fan Rich (hey Rich) and I went to visit our Scottish friend Laura for a week in her home of Scotland. You may remember Laura from the last blog post, in Slovenia, where we visited Lake Bled and drank all day instead of doing anything.
I’m happy to say that this time, we learned from our past mistakes. We limited our drinking, planned out a thorough itinerary, and really made the most of our time in Scotland.
Psych we got totally fuckin’ LIT babyyyyyy!!!!!!
It was Rich’s first time leaving the country, so he was pretty nervous, but he was obviously comforted by the fact that he was with such an experienced traveler as myself. I told him not to worry – I’d show him all the ropes. He was such a bumbling and naive guy – it reminded me of my first time traveling!
Rich had lounge access from his credit card (hey, not bad for a noob), so we got there like 2 hours early just to chill in Dulles Airport’s “Turkish Lounge” next to our gate which turned out to be dope as fuck.
They had this buffet with just like perfectly cooked chicken and some pita and hummus and like this rice dish and desserts and it was just fuckin’ awesome. And a free bar!! Is this how rich people travel?? Finally, I was an affluent traveling gentleman, like I’ve always been meant to be.
We just kicked back, charged our phones, used the wifi, ate and drank as much as possible, and just thought about how there were thousands of commoners outside, just pathetic wretches, sitting in uncomfortable chairs with $8 Whoppers, dripping mayoey lettuce into their laps. Fuck those people.
Around boarding time, Rich and I finished our drinks, grabbed our bags, and leisurely strolled over to the gate. As we approached, we noticed the gate looked a little empty. Huh, that’s weird. Then we heard over the loudspeaker, “Last call for boarding for passengers Richard Tyson and Stephen Flowers for Primera Air Flight 2280 to London…” OH SHIT. We got to the gate and saw there was absolutely nobody else waiting to board.
What happened? Tune in for part 2/24 to find out…
Jk lol. Luckily they hadn’t closed the gate yet, and we made it on the flight. Turns out the flight had been moved earlier, which I didn’t even know was possible, and the announcements weren’t being broadcast in our lounge. We were honestly probably within a couple minutes of missing our flight, despite having gotten through security like 2 hours early, because we’d been living it up in the Turkish Lounge. The airline, Primera, only has flights from DC to London twice a week. We would’ve been totally fucked; we may have ended up cancelling our trip.
As it was, though, we kicked it in the lounge till the last minute and waltzed onto the flight with no wait like a bunch of fuckin’ ballers. Thanks for waiting, you dirty destitute peasants!
Primera Airlines was at the time offering a flight from DC to London for just $120, which obviously was fucking insane. Of course, I did get charged $24 for both my carry-on and my backpack, which, I guess maybe I should have checked the baggage guidelines.
Anyway the flight was fine, we landed in London the next morning with a 3-hour layover. We were flying RyanAir, another discount airline, to Edinburgh. This is where I encountered a second problem.
I hadn’t previously checked in online, and it turns out that with RyanAir, if you don’t check in in online, you have to wait in the Customer Service line with all the irate customers who had missed their connections. What the…I’m a member of the Turkish Club! Who did they think they were dealing with!?
I figured I’d just get on the wifi and just check in on my phone. I came to find out that the ticketing service I’d used (Kiwi.com) didn’t allow online check in within 24 hours of the flight. So I ended up waiting in this line for an hour while Rich waited. Surrounded by common riffraff.
When I got up there, I told them I was there to check in, and the lady tells me there’s a 55 pound penalty fee for in-person check-in. That’s about $72 in real money. $72 to print my fucking ticket for a flight I’d already paid for. And just to kick me while I’m down, they called it a penalty fee, as if to say “well, this is what you get for not checking in online, it’s your own fault, you should have thought ahead, Steve, aren’t you supposed to be an experienced traveler?” Fucking motherfucking cocksucker pieces of shit at this point the costs in unanticipated fees ($48 for bags and $72 to check in) was equal to the cost of my original plane ticket.
Rich later happened upon a newspaper article that said RyanAir got 28% of its income from its extortionist fees:
Fuck RyanAir, fuck Kiwi.com, fuck Primera Air, fuck London, this trip was fuckin’ bullshit.
Anyway we met up with Laura at that same airport (she lives in London) which was, like, whatever, and flew to Edinburgh. Details next time, but, long story short, we got drunk and didn’t do anything productive or worthwhile.
That’s it for now, tune in to the next post in 7-10 months!