Scotland Pt. 4

Yo yo yo, Scotland Part 4 (of 20) coming in hot!

Me, Rich, Laura, and Chris (Laura’s boyfriend) got up on Friday morning in Glasgow with ambitious plans: we were going to go on a big day trip all up north of Glasgow, to see the sights: Loch Lomond, Kilchurn Castle, and a bunch of other bullshit I can’t remember.  We may have wasted a bit of time on the trip thus far, but today was the day we made up for it all.  We got up bright and early (noon), still recovering from our wild night of charades, got in the car, and hit the road!

We headed into town to see the University of Glasgow, one of the only nice parts of the city.  Edinburgh is like the nice, historic, cultural city, and Glasgow is like the modern, industrial, bland-looking-as-fuck city.  Once we made it downtown, though, we learned that our car had a flat tire.  Turns out, Laura’s boyfriend Chris had popped the tire the night prior, when he slammed the curb while executing what was really an wildly over-aggressive parallel parking job.  So before we went anywhere, he had to go get the tire repaired.  Solid start to the day!

Idk what we did while we waited but whatever it was, it was forgettable.  We somehow didn’t end up seeing University of Glasgow.  As far as I remember we just walked downtown, which took like an hour.  Laura ran into a glass door while getting coffee from a convenience store.  I don’t even have any good pictures because Glasgow sucks so much dick.


In the background there, you can see the city of Glasgow sucking a big dick

Ok so around probably like 2 we finally packed into the car and started cruising on up to stop #1, Loch Lomond.  Finally, I was going to get some DOPE shots of the beautiful Scottish countryside, which was the biggest draw for this trip for me (besides the brew and the fuckin’ A-grade TANG, obviously).  If I could do that, see Skyfall, salute the statue of Abraham Lincoln, and go to McDonald’s, I would call the trip a success.

However, this idiot forgot his nice camera that day, so literally I have no pictures of the countryside except the garbage I took with my phone.

The Quiraing

Google Image result for “Scottish Countryside”


What I took

Literally the one day of the trip where I actually saw cool sights and I forget my camera.  I know 90% of you are only here for the high-quality travel photos I take with my (entry-level) DSLR, so, to the approximately 900,000 readers I’ve disappointed, I’m truly sorry.

Our first stop was a place called Kilchurn Castle, about 2 hours north of Glasgow by car.  Along the way we were to drive along Loch Lomond (Scottish for Lake Lomond), which really did have some nice views, none of which are pictured here, because Public Dipshit #1 here behind the keyboard forgot his fucking camera, along with his BRAIN I guess back in America,  NICE JOB STEVE!  Good thing you remembered your STUPID SWEATER!  Couldn’t bring the GODDAMN CAMERA on the ONE DAY YOU NEEDED IT!   Really gonna make your blog POP with all this GRAINY IPHONE LOW-CONTRAST COMMON-MAN GARBAGE!

After about an hour of driving, we ran into a miles-long traffic jam, due to an accident blocking the one 2-lane road adjacent to Loch Lomond.   We had to turn around and backtrack to an alternate route, losing us another hour.  That’s cool, though, cuz as I’ve made clear, we’d gotten up early enough to account for delays like this.  Everyone was in really high spirits, and me and Rich were really appreciative of Laura’s hard work to get us out to see Scotland.


Along the way we passed a brewery, and Laura insisted we stop (I know, pretty out of character for her), so now around maybe 4 pm we, still having done, literally nothing that day, took a break to relax and grab a pint.


Oh should we stop here?  Sure, all we got is time!

We did get some dope shots though:




Double dope


Dope x3; Rich, true brew lover, sighting the color of his beer against the sunlight

It actually was a super cool place, out in the middle of nowhere, with some nice views, this family-owned farm sort of feel, it was really nice.  They had these meat pies which, man, I only had one bite, but it gave the McNugget a run for it’s money.  They had this funny old retired sheepdog which kept circling our table like we were sheep (and for some people, it would’ve been right. WAKE UP).  We also discovered that my nose was making this super odd squeaking sound whenever I sniffed, which cracked us up for a solid 10 minutes.

So afterwards, around 4 or 5, we hit the road, back towards Kilchurn Castle, which, I want to emphasize, was our first stop for the day.  Along the way we make a quick pit stop at a local town called Invergordon to walk around and snap a couple photos:


We were really on point with our sweater color coordination that day

We were also feeling a little parched, so we topped up on some tall boy Buds, and took the opportunity to check out Scottish fashion:


Yo what up here’s 2 fingers that have never felt a vagina

Then we headed out and finally made it to Kilchurn Castle, by a brisk 7 pm Finally at our first stop, barely before it was dark outside!  Really, once again, just making the absolute most of our limited time in Scotland.   One tourist destination per day is, I think, just right.   A lot of people overload their itineraries – big mistake.  You have to take the time to appreciate the little things, and get enough sleep, and play a sufficient amount of charades.  That’s a little travel expert freebie from your pal Steve.

We did at least manage to do what we do best and snag some dope pics:




Laura teaching us how to pose for Instagram.  Taken with a Google Pixel, really a great camera on that phone.

By the time we wrapped up the photo shoot, it was getting dark, so we figured we’d call it a day.  We started the 2 hour drive back to Glasgow while we pounded tall boys and listened to Eminem.  When we got back, Laura and Chris got dinner from the supermarket, which consisted of pizza, a chinese food sampler, a set of dips, fried cheese balls, and more Bud Light.  None of this was meant to be a joke – this was just the product of Laura and Chris legitimately deciding, out of an entire grocery store’s worth of choices, what would make the best dinner.  Scottish people are the most abjectly unashamed fried food eaters on the planet.

We tried really hard to get drunk but we were all full on shitty fried food, and all we had was Bud Light, so eventually we just gave up and went to this club called Garage to check out Glasgow’s famed nightlife (it really is supposed to be good).  Laura spent $40 on a round for everyone like a fucking idiot, and then we hit the dance floor, and this is where it gets good people cuz literally right as we hit the dance floor, Lose Yourself came on, and for those of you who don’t know, Lose Yourself is your boy’s fuckin’ JAM.  This DJ was on fire too, because he followed that banger up with In Da Club, another hit, and we just tore up the dance floor after that.  Glasgow’s night life was living up to the HYPE!

Not to brag, but I totally impressed this random Scottish girl with my dope moves, and we totally MADE OUT and yeah it was MEGA HOT.  Rich, Laura, and Chris left me behind to get with her, which I totally did, and by “get with her” I mean she went and got fries with her friends, and I left about 5 minutes later.


Haha sick

It was at this point I realized that not only was my phone dead, but I also definitely did not know Chris’ address.  I had literally no way of getting back or of contacting my friends.  I got a cab, and he didn’t take cards, so I asked to stop at an ATM, and he said sure and dropped me off, and then he just fucking left.

Situations like this always make me realize how stupid it is to rely so wholly on my cell phone when I’m traveling abroad.  It’s such a single point of failure.  The same thing happened to me on my trip to Italy (upcoming blog post dropping in 2023).  I obviously did not learn at all from past mistakes, though.

I got another cab and idk I guess I somehow managed to guess the address.  I honestly don’t know how I made it back.  Fun fact, my driver knew Chad Smith, the drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, my favorite band!  Wow!

I got back to find Rich, Laura, and Chris eating Taco Bell.  They had gone to the only Taco Bell in all of Glasgow.


Rich made it to his #1 destination

Rich’s order number, by some act of the Founding Fathers, came out to 1776:


They are watching over us

We stayed up for a few more hours watching Robyn music videos on Youtube.  We must’ve really gotten crazy, because Chris’ downstairs neighbors came up to ask us to keep it down.  Sorry guys, just showing each other our favorite Youtube videos at 5 in the morning!

So that’s what happened on the most productive day of our trip.  Literally the best day of our trip in terms of touristy things accomplished, and we did one thing.  It was, honestly, really fun though.

Next time: we go to London, and everything goes great!

Scotland Pt. 3

Ok gang, for the 3 of you still hanging in there for new blog posts (jk my following is growing exponentially, make sure you share my blog NOW, while you can still claim to have gotten in before it was big), here’s part 3 of my trip to Scotland.   If you missed the first 2, here’s a brief recap:

-Me and Rich flew to Scotland and met up with our Scottish friend Laura

-We got drunk all day


And a local street urchin took this totally candid shot!

Yeah hm that’s all that’s happened, in 2 whole posts.  This blog is like a really well-crafted, detailed TV show.  Like it’s not about the plot, it’s about this highly curated, engrossing, transportative experience.

Ok right so we got up the next day after all 3 of us sleeping crowded together in Laura’s childhood bed.  Laura’s mom made us a class Scottish breakfast which was fried eggs, fried bacon, fried sausages, black pudding which is like fried pigs blood, fried mushrooms, and a few other fried things.  I don’t remember much about this breakfast but I did write a note in my journal, which says “Laura Mom breakfast (bad).”

Laura’s mom, who’s retired, drove the 3 of us around to some sightseeing in Edinburgh.  We saw Rosslyn Chapel from the gates because we were all too cheap to buy a ticket, then walked around some little town where we found this authentic phone booth:


This was almost as cool as the double-decker bus!

I felt kind of sick from the night before and mostly just wanted to take a shit.  Laura fed me some god-awful Scottish candy while we walked around in the rain and looked at some bridges and had her mom take photos of us.


Right to left: guitarist, model, constipated


Everyone’s having a great time

This great trip was capped off with a visit to Blackness Castle.  During the half mile walk from the car, it started raining super hard, so after we got to the castle we promptly turned around and walked back in a pelting downpour:


We’re being pelted by sideways rain in this picture

That night, Laura treated us to yet more of Scotland’s finest cuisine, aka some shitty late night place to get deep-fried pizza and chicken nuggets.  I’m pretty sure Scottish people basically just ate fatty fried food for every single meal, like Americans without guilt or fitness trends or Tender Greens.  Afterwards, we went to a bar that just happened to be having Ceilidh, which is the Scottish square dance Laura had tried to take us to the night prior.  Laura was super excited, I think because she felt like she’d finally taken us to something in Scotland that was actually like, culturally Scottish.  It was pretty fun; it was mainly a bunch of drunk tourists not listening to the instructions and fucking it all up, but I can see why people would seek it out, before grinding was an option.

The next day, Thursday, (Day 3 of the trip) Laura had an interview, so me and Rich made the most of the day, by sleeping until noon.  But we seized the day around 1 pm to check out Edinburgh Castle, which was cool.  Rich, naive tourist, outside the U.S. for the first time, shelled out $18 for the shitty tour booklet, and also bought himself a cool snowglobe and a teddy bear.


Just another sucker tourist

We felt we’d had a pretty full day after that, so we got coffee.  And there, me and Rich found out it was our Facebook 10-year friend-versary!  Best part of the trip, honestly, was just sharing this milestone of friendship with my good buddy Rich.   We’ve been friends since first year of college, and boy, have we had some times!  But that’s another story, for another blog.


Be sure to check out my new blog, Steve Relives College Forever!

After celebrating, we went to get haggis, a classic Scottish dish made of mashed potatoes and, like, minced sheep organs, which sounds gross but is actually just super bland.  Me and Rich did get some great artistic shots for one another’s Tinders, though:


27, Travel Blogger, $400 sweater


6’4, great smile, lots of souvenirs

Laura finally got back into town at 5:30, and now she was hungry (provides a lot of problems rather than solutions, for a country guide, doesn’t she?) so we went to another Scottish standby, McDonalds, where we had what was, honestly, one of the best meals of the whole trip:

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After that we went to Edinburgh’s #1 tourist destination: a statue of America’s own Abe Lincoln, where I was able to pay my respects to an American hero:



Then we went to the top of some hill where we actually did get some really exceptional shots.

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On the way back I finally I actually did get this one good shot of Edinburgh, which Laura two days later stole from me and posted on her Instagram, as if she hasn’t lived there for her entire fucking life:


Photo credit: fucking me

That night we took a bus to Glasgow, which we were to use as a jumping-off point for sightseeing around there.  We made the bus with about 30 seconds to spare (we’d been busy playing about 3 hours of charades), and met up with Laura’s English boyfriend, Chris, whose apartment we were staying at.  We stayed up till 4 am playing fishbowl.  Really good use of our time.

So for those keeping track at home, here’s our trip so far

Day 1 (Tuesday): arrived, drank and walked around Edinburgh

Day 2 (Wednesday): Went to castles and sightseeing stuff with Laura’s mom (actually good touristy day)

Day 3 (Thursday): Went to Edinburgh castle, ate Mcdonalds, had a friend-versary, played charades for a combined total of like 9 hours

It was a good thing Rich was traveling with me and Laura, two seasoned travelers, or he probably would have made rookie mistakes that kept him from making the most of his time.

See you next time!